Where it begins

In the midst of a personal struggle, of a time where the emotional roller-coaster ride is making me dizzy, I outline a struggle towards freedom. For while living a comfortable and self-satisfying life, I am a slave to the consumerist and materialist society. I have numerous addictions which I have failed to keep under control. I feel myself a strange person in a strange land; an alien in a foreign country. What most people value I find curious and queer, mildly fascinated by what is most highly prized. I do the things that people do to a degree, following the herd up to the point where I lose interest.

At a time when my debts are rising and my addiction to coffee as strong as ever, something must be done. I am spending at a rate at which I cannot control, constantly requiring access to the ATM to top up my wallet. I have just arrived home from work, where I drank a bit and now feel very lethargic. There is an internal struggle between what I want and the things I know I need to do. And I will begin to make changes and only sabotage those changes along the way.

On a soul level, I am growing tired and disgusted with the way things are. Through reading from wide sources and watching films such as The Corporation, I can no longer remain ignorant of how our current demands are causing harm on the planet. The industrialized society that we are a part of was created for our comfort; it is the greatest cause of damage both to people and the environment at large. I am losing hope in living within this context while being able to effect change, particularly given that the median attitude of the general populace of this country is self-satisfaction; maintaining ourselves and our families within castles of comfort. What I have witnessed in my family is endemic in the mindset of the general public - that is, a fear of other cultures, which gives rise to tensions, based upon mistaken notions of threat to security. Unfortunately the media fuels these tensions with pathetic appeals to justice that are merely rooted in self-protection rather than genuine compassion. It is these things that bring me to find an eject button.

My journey to praxis is where I take steps in the direction of the practice of love, compassion, and justice rather than self-satisfaction. Rather than simply increase my learning, I aim to extend my life into an active state where I engage in a holistic spiritual practice. I knew that leaving my job was something I had to do for the purpose of pursuing this desire. The path to walk from here is not clear, except for the fact that one of my greatest needs at the moment is elimination of debt. As such, I will position myself to do so as quickly as possible. I must treat my body not as a base for pleasure, but rather as a temple of God, requiring the greatest of care. This ideal will mandate certain choices as superior to those that offer short-term pleasure but equate to longer-term pain. Maybe it will be that as I take such a tender approach to my life, a vibration of love will naturally emanate to those around me.

I hope and pray that this desire will continue and burn stronger every day.