Positive Directions

My flirtation with an amoral lifestyle is getting rather boring. Doing whatever I feel like at the time is not exactly a pleasurable way to live, at least in the long run. By and large, I am still lonely and sad. Being in this space in between, I note the relationships surrounding me as a stark contrast to my lack. I'm tired of the cafe lifestyle now; I do love my coffee, but wandering in and out of cafe's alone, or with the same friend, is such a bore. Speaking of that friend, oh how much I have struggled with that friendship! Now there is a sex-obsessed character, constantly sizing up the females around, constantly coming up with lewd and crude comments. I can make these judgments now, but I join in when with him! His whole philosophy on life is so very uninspiring, utterly self-centered and degraded. Yet, I go back to him time and time again, to meet my social needs, for without him around I just have my own company.

Given all this, it is such a relief to now be letting it go and moving on back to the Gold Coast. No more funky cafe's (apart from Three Beans, which I believe is superior to them all down here!) in the area, no more being overwhelmed by choice of what to do, when the event calendar is full on a daily basis. Surprisingly, the Gold Coast has stepped up a notch from before in spiritual options, with classes on meditation available all over the place. Given that daily meditation is one of my new year resolutions (and I haven't started yet), that's a bonus.

Then, there was the joy of gaining acceptance to study psychology at Griffith Uni. It was quite a lead up, first conceiving the idea, applying for the position, then waiting for the response. Thankfully, a phone call to the uni brought the good news home. As such, I now await this momentous change eagerly, all the while feeling like the husband in the waiting room waiting for the baby to be delivered - time seems to pass oh-so slowly.

I took on a service desk job, of all things, to pay my way until I leave. It's as boring as hell, such monotonous work, but I now have more savings than ever before. That's temporary, as I have now finally dealt with the debt problem mentioned earlier in the blog - utilizing the 0% balance transfer offer. What with uni expenses - textbooks, fees and the like, in addition to the move, I'll have no savings left, but at least will chip away a fair bit at the debt. Then it's on to a more simple life, spending a lot less given a fair smack of my needs are met by virtue of my parents.

OK, so it's not going to be easy living back with them, I've made that clear, but one thing I need is solid companionship, after having such a lonely dry spell. That'll be core in my recovery process. Here's hoping that we can get along rather nicely, despite Dad's moodiness and Mum's stress.

Resolutions of Praxis

It's that time of the year. Across the world people are making resolutions for the coming year, and most will probably be broken. My primary resolution relates to this blog: Engage in praxis, a deep spiritual practice and focus. Having Spirit as focus, I will eliminate most self-help exploration that has been a theme for quite some time - the ego-enhancing arena. I have begun this, but am lacking regular practice. So here's a list:

* Daily meditation
* Study of and integration of practices such as yoga
* Commencement of study in psychology
* Church involvement in progressive-faith perspectives

Here's to a spiritual 2008!

Meet my friend, Despair

Days ago I was in the depth of despair. I found the burden of my desires to be too strong a weight to cope with. I was in a sorry, sorry state, and it was only being with my parents that I could find some kind of relief. I guess I had put too much stock in the fact that I did quite well with the interview; then finding out that I missed out on the job, but I don't know why. Looking from the perspective of despair, I could see a line of this feeling reaching right through the year - pain and loneliness gripping me whether keenly felt or deep beneath the surface. In the episode preceding this recent one, I decided it high-time to visit a doctor and again seek therapy. And in the most recent episode, I wondered whether I could cope on my own, given the depth of despair. Again, I seriously considered staying with my parents, even though I had thought of that option of the least-preferred. Well, as I was reading something rather psychological in orientation, I began to think about the idea of studying psychology. I looked into the course details, and thought about the potential of living with the parents while studying. Suddenly, this appeared to be a very sensible and worthy option.

Remaining in Melbourne means returning to IT work, which is not really my heart's desire. The previous post speaking about my option for intentional community is all well and good; however, is it really a good idea? Who knows what kind of psychotics you could end up with, maybe another Koresh! This will take me into an arena which is already a hobby. And what the heck, if I don't like it, I can just try something else later. I'd rather take the risk now and give it a go rather than wonder what it would be like.

Clarity of Direction

'Just where do your passions lie? What are your heart interests?'
That question has been plaguing me lately. It is so very important to have some kind of answer, for now is a time of decision. Today, as I have weighed up the options before me, I have attained peace. Now, I was going to take a day off work, but felt it best not to - and believe that if I had, I may not have reached the insights I now have.

The idea of community has long been an interest of mine, particularly the lack of it that I experience, and what it really could look like. At its best, I have experienced it in the context of Christian camps and mission. I feel that the living arrangements as we have them in our society are due for an overhaul, or at least I don't want to be a part of them. My vision is for something communal and simple, revolved around shared resources. The Internet, as the biggest conduit for community on the planet, is a key component of the process. Our consumptive, 'me first' lifestyles do not allow for the pleasure that good community can give. I want to experience living, vital, thriving community.

So I look into the option known as 'Intentional Community', which is how you describe the kind of modern-day communal endeavors, taking multiple forms. That is the direction I want to head, but can I do that just now? Not really, I need to get out of debt, save money, and really make sure I go into the right venture. It will all require some kind of investment.

What about the living with parents option? It still doesn't feel right. They have such ego-centric dramas so strongly developed which can only bring you further down and trigger more despair. The Gold Coast is not a great context for your spiritual development, and you have already made some headway in your network of friendships. It is an option, yes, but should be the lowest option in a scale of best to worst.

I guess it was the news today of two job opportunities that really brought your hope to life, as both sound to be potentially better environments than the present job. But what about the option of living in the UK? You've got the Right to Abode, so why not? The market is still strong. And that takes me to Findhorn...

Findhorn is a spiritual retreat centre, strongly focused on raising consciousness.....which is probably my greatest passion right now. It houses intentional communities. Staying there is described as being immensely transformative. It is based in Scotland, which is part of the UK, so I have access to it for as long as I please. So what about working in the UK and going there? Well, coming from an unstable financial position, it would be most unwise. Can you really afford to make such a move while in the red? I don't know anyone who has.

So, the greatest pathway before me now is to take a job opportunity in the new year in Melbourne. Seek to reduce my outgoings and increase my incomings through means such as savings and investment. This might mean a year of staying put and being occupied with what is with me now, all the while keeping the vision of Findhorn and the UK clearly in view. With these options in mind, I need not ponder over multiple other options, and can stay focused on these uniquely special goals.

The Crossroads

Yet again I have reached a major crossroads of decision. Only a year ago I was in a similar position, after my relationship break-up, where I considered moving back north with the parents. It's a big call, considering that I've built a life here, and potentially leave a lot of the things I love behind. Yet, I feel especially emotionally vulnerable, with only a few friends to console with. Alone in my head, at times I feel I just cannot cope with life, with the many pressures, with the things I see with society that I don't like - I want that eject button, but am far from equating ejection with suicide. I just want out, I want freedom from this society, from the demands, from consumerism, from the mentality. I guess that was one major reason I quit the job, yet I feel so bound as I require working in the system to maintain my lifestyle. Hence, there is no need if I live with my parents.

But there, what is there to do? The Gold Coast is built primarily around entertainment. It is one of the more self-serving cities in Australia. It certainly does not house people like myself who are critical of industry, who crave simplicity. Tambourine Mountain, now that is an exception, but unless there's some commune up there, it's just not an option.

........this was an unfinished post, and I've now reached some clarity, which deserves a new post. Suffice to say that I now feel some direction, whereas yesterday I was emotionally exhausted from the mental conflict.

In the belly of a beast

While Christians preach about the sinfulness of mankind in rejecting belief in Jesus Christ, the real sin goes largely overlooked, as is mostly recognized outside of Christian circles. That sin is what we, as a human race, are doing to Planet Earth. Through the demands of industry that revolve around satisfying our desires, we participate in the destruction of the environment that supports us. How long will Mother Earth be patient with us?

I speak and act as one of the perpetrators. Just as the environment that surrounds me and enables me to write this entry contributes to the problem, in a larger way I supply the substances that fuel addictions and lead to major societal degradation. I would never, ever desire to give an alcoholic the booze they demand; I wouldn't dream of supplying the grog that destroys aboriginal communities; I can't imagine being party to the excessive beer that leads to a fatal accident. Yet as I continue to offer services of support to this company, I indirectly do each of these actions. I have taken responsibility, and I have resigned; the burden of the remainder of my time is a commitment not to the company but to those who have relied upon me.

As I walked around the city at lunchtime I really felt the weight of just how much a machine it is; people rushing this way and that, stores designed to provide some form of self-satisfaction, and the occasional beggar to make us feel guilty for our prosperity. The Jesus I read in the Gospels would not be a city-dweller; he would not sip lattes in the funky art-deco cafe. I wouldn't exactly call these thing evil, just woefully imbalanced. The city is a dreadfully lonely place, even where the population is so incredibly dense. The reality is that the city has no soul as it is driven by a faulty greed-centered philosophy.

I am a descendent of this philosophy, and so find it incredibly difficult to resist. Yet resist it I must, with whatever motivation and energy that I can gather. I have struggled lately with motivation, and find giving up my luxuries to be near-on impossible, such a grip they have on me. The will to be strong and led by a grander vision gives way to my petty desires. If there is any hope of a great Spirit of the universe, may that Spirit guide me in this grand quest.

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Where it begins

In the midst of a personal struggle, of a time where the emotional roller-coaster ride is making me dizzy, I outline a struggle towards freedom. For while living a comfortable and self-satisfying life, I am a slave to the consumerist and materialist society. I have numerous addictions which I have failed to keep under control. I feel myself a strange person in a strange land; an alien in a foreign country. What most people value I find curious and queer, mildly fascinated by what is most highly prized. I do the things that people do to a degree, following the herd up to the point where I lose interest.

At a time when my debts are rising and my addiction to coffee as strong as ever, something must be done. I am spending at a rate at which I cannot control, constantly requiring access to the ATM to top up my wallet. I have just arrived home from work, where I drank a bit and now feel very lethargic. There is an internal struggle between what I want and the things I know I need to do. And I will begin to make changes and only sabotage those changes along the way.

On a soul level, I am growing tired and disgusted with the way things are. Through reading from wide sources and watching films such as The Corporation, I can no longer remain ignorant of how our current demands are causing harm on the planet. The industrialized society that we are a part of was created for our comfort; it is the greatest cause of damage both to people and the environment at large. I am losing hope in living within this context while being able to effect change, particularly given that the median attitude of the general populace of this country is self-satisfaction; maintaining ourselves and our families within castles of comfort. What I have witnessed in my family is endemic in the mindset of the general public - that is, a fear of other cultures, which gives rise to tensions, based upon mistaken notions of threat to security. Unfortunately the media fuels these tensions with pathetic appeals to justice that are merely rooted in self-protection rather than genuine compassion. It is these things that bring me to find an eject button.

My journey to praxis is where I take steps in the direction of the practice of love, compassion, and justice rather than self-satisfaction. Rather than simply increase my learning, I aim to extend my life into an active state where I engage in a holistic spiritual practice. I knew that leaving my job was something I had to do for the purpose of pursuing this desire. The path to walk from here is not clear, except for the fact that one of my greatest needs at the moment is elimination of debt. As such, I will position myself to do so as quickly as possible. I must treat my body not as a base for pleasure, but rather as a temple of God, requiring the greatest of care. This ideal will mandate certain choices as superior to those that offer short-term pleasure but equate to longer-term pain. Maybe it will be that as I take such a tender approach to my life, a vibration of love will naturally emanate to those around me.

I hope and pray that this desire will continue and burn stronger every day.